Aug. 29: Grrr

I am wildly attracted to the food group, "Crunchy Salties."  I've had a hell of a week, actually a hell of a year.  I've been doing well fighting off the emotional eating demons until now.

Now, I just want Crunchy Salties, and I'll; be darned if I'm not shoveling them in.  Daisy of the iron control - well, my friends, that iron has been melted and now it's just a soggy puddle of gray stuff at my feet.

I've used my usual coping mechanisms.  I've prepped my food ahead of time.  I always have something ready for a quick snack or meal.  I take a walk when I'm hungry.  Grrr.....  I'm journaling, as you can plainly see, about this issue.

Now a week of this is not going to put me back at square number one, but I have the same "Screw it" attitude right now that got me above 200 pounds in the first place. The scale is up TEN POUNDS from last week.  I'm reasonable, I know I did not eat 10 pounds worth of Doritos and Ruffles, but I'm retaining huge water from the salt and I'm certain that I've gained a few pounds.

A few weeks ago I gave away every single item of clothing I own that is too big for me right now.  I did this in self defense, because if the day comes where I can't fit into my clothes, I'll have no other option but to lose weight - I can't afford new stuff!

This week, the focus is on using every tool in my arsenal to get back on track nutritionally.  I'm far better armed for this battle than I was a year ago.  I've learned so much about dieting properly, working out, and myself, that I know I can succeed.

One thing I realized today is that the person staring out of the mirror at me, mocking me, is someone I don't know.  I don't know what looks good on me anymore.  I am having some trouble not being the fat girl.  It's disconcerting to catch a glimpse of myself in a store window and not realize it's me that I'm looking at. Thinner women are definitely treated differently out in the world.  It's like I've gone from being completely invisible to being someone that people notice.

Maybe this attack of identity crisis is some of the issue.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with the endless barrage of financial issues.  I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night when there is a vehicle idling outside my house, certain it's the repo man, here for my care.  I'm waiting for the bank to call and say, "You have 10 days to get out - we are taking back our house."  I cringe at the ringing of the phone because I know it's only going to be another person to whom I owe money.  At the grocery store, I watch the register intently so I can stop the cashier from ringing in an item that brings me over my budget for that day.  Opening the mailbox each day, I feel as though there might be a cobra in there, coiled and ready to strike.  Often there is a cobra, and it's named The Electric Company, The Cable Company or Chrysler Financial.  The worst thing of it is that I'm taking all the steps to get out of this pit and they simply aren't working.

No wonder my head hurts.

People tell me I'm strong, but really, I'm not.  I'm doing what anyone else would do if faced with the housing option of a cardboard refrigerator box.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other, trying to keep the wolves away from the door. It's just what you do - you keep trying because giving up has even worse consequences.

And really, I feel guilty when I think about all of the families in Pakistan who have lost their homes due to flooding.  When you put things in that perspective, my life is a walk in the park, comparatively.

I need to go throw out the Crunchy Salties now.

Aug. 27: Stress and Dieting

I've written a lot about what not to eat when your stressed out.  It's been a pretty constant theme - don't dive into the ice cream, cookies do NOT make you feel better, french fries will not cheer you up.

But this week, while I was offline, I had a stress epiphany.  It really isn't something grand that I've discovered because of complicated scientific research, or a divine message from an angel delivered on a mountaintop amidst a herald of angels blowing trumpets all around me.

Stress is basically an illness.

I've had a headache for nearly a month.  I've been bitchy (like scary, badass, mean bitchy) because of it, nauseous because of it, and lethargic because of it.  Finally I broke down and went to the doctor because I simply couldn't take it anymore.  The feeling of the headphone at work touching my ear hurt so much I was seeing dancing spots in front of my eyes.  I left work and went to the walk-in clinic, where, luckily, my doctor was working that night.

I explained the headache to her and pointed out the area at the back of my neck, near my left shoulder, the point from where the pain was radiating.  She gently laid her had on it and I almost threw up from the pain. 

She asked, "Are you under any additional stress lately?"

Hmmmm.... "Well, I'm racing with the bank to see if I can sell my house before they foreclose on it, I hide my car so it doesn't get repossessed and my ex husband thinks now would be a perfect time to take me to court for custody of my little girl.  Oh yeah, and I hate HATE hate my job.  I'm a bit stressed."

She clucked her tongue at me and said, "Look what you have done to yourself!  You are one big knotted muscle - why did you wait so long to come see me?"

Hmmmm.......

Anyhow, to make a long story at least a little shorter, she prescribed something for tension and a muscle relaxant to take before bedtime.   She also told me not to worry so much.  Gee, that's a great idea!  Okay!  I'd like to tell you I have returned a much calmer and less worried Daisy, but alas, I'm still a basket case.

However, I learned something.  Stress must be treated like any other illness.  If you child was sick, would you feed her a big bowl of Cool Ranch Doritoes with salsa for supper?  Would you decide that an entire pizza might settle his/her little stomach?  Perhaps the entire container of cookie dough ice cream would help the dear child recover from the flu more quickly.

It's doubtful.  You'd cook up the most nourishing soup possible, chock full of vitamin-laden vegetables, lean protein and healing herbs.  You might make a fresh fruit platter for him to nibble on while he rested on the sofa.  The glass of orange juice would be bottomless, as you constantly pumped vitamin C into your little darlin'.  You would want to aid in your child's recovery by giving them the most nourishing, delicious REAL FOOD you could provide.

Perhaps we should consider "treating" stress the same way.  We should nourish ourselves with delicious vegetables, lean protein, whole grains and decadent fruits.  We should pamper ourselves as though we are trying to recover from the flu, feeding ourselves instead of depriving ourselves.

A time of great stress is not the time to go gangbusters on your diet.  It is the time to treat your body kindly and take the effort to heal yourself through eating wonderful food with a great nutritional profile.  Don't deprive yourself and cut your calories to the bone - dieting itself is stressful on the body and fighting off cravings is hard enough when your state of mind is excellent and focused.

NOW, don't read this and think, "Cool, Daisy said I should pamper myself - I'll get two kinds of ice cream!"  No, Daisy said, fill up with nutritious delicious things, and aid in healing yourself through the vitamins found in healthy foods!  Daisy said, don't try to starve yourself and stick to a no-carb monastic diet of water and plain tuna.

This is all just a personal theory - as I comment frequently I'm not a scientist and I have no degrees in anything health related. But it really makes sense to me that now is not the time to add extra pressure to my load, lest it all just flatten me into a bloody patch of roadkill on the highway of life.

I'm SO GLAD TO BE BACK!  I missed you while my computer was at the computer spa!

Aug. 17: Random Bloggishness

Above is the lunch I packed for work yesterday.  Clockwise from left, broccoli/cauliflower salad w/ diced chicken breast, Kashi cereal and raisins, yogurt with protein powder, strawberries and blueberries.  I always take enough food that I have at least a small snack for every break, otherwise I tend to hit the evil vending machines.


Today, I'm without a specific topic.  I'm just randomly writing.


Money issues continue to haunt me.  Yesterday brought with it a surprise cheque - a tax rebate.  Unfortunately it also brought a shut-off notice for the gas bill that politely requests 3 times the amount of that cheque.  It seems like there is a financial drama on nearly a daily basis.  The whole thing is really getting old.  It's not because I spend money frivolously.  It's simply because I don't make enough to pay my bills, and I got way way behind when I was unemployed. 

I've discovered that under-employment is just as bad as unemployment.  It's a little more money, but I have to spend more money too: gas for the car, childcare - it just isn't working out in a way that allows me to break even.  I'm looking for another job - I apply for jobs every single day.  I'm trying to sell the house, which will get rid of a huge expense and a lot of debt.  It's hard just waiting for these things to pan out.

I'm going to continue the workout trend today.  After breakfast, I'm taking the dog for a long ramble through the woods for some cardio and stress relief.  I'm determined not to let stress get the better of my exercise program this time.  I'm pleasantly sore and achy from my workout yesterday, so I know that I challenged myself sufficiently.

I don't want people to read this post and feel sorry for me.  I don't want you thinking, "Poor Daisy.  She can't ever catch a break."  I want you to read this post and think to yourself, "If Daisy can deal with all of this stuff going on in her life, and she can still exercise and eat properly, then I can do it too."

Remember, you have two options.

#1.  You can be broke and unhealthy, eating Cheetos while you bemoan your financial woes.  Then perhaps you could step out for a Blizzard, because why does it really matter what you do?  You're broke, you have a crappy job and ice cream isn't going to change your financial situation, one way or the other.

or....

#2.  You can be broke and healthy.  You can make a yummy broccoli salad while you look helplessly through your bills.  You can still walk the dog while you are pondering the answer to getting yourself out of debt.  While your food and exercise choices won't affect your financial situation, at least you will feel better, look better, and have the energy to fight your way through another day.

When you are in a bad personal situation, whether it is your financial stability, your relationship, or problems at work, you may be strapped for choices.  There may seem like there is no way out.  But you always have one choice: the way you treat yourself. 

Please choose the option to take care of yourself and be healthy. 

Aug. 16: Why Do We Skip the Things That Will Help?

I have a question of the day.  Actually a question of the life, because this is something I've done for years.

WHEN I'M HAVING A TOUGH TIME EMOTIONALLY, WHY DO I AVOID DOING THE VERY THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?

Exercise makes me feel great.  Lifting weights makes me feel strong and powerful, like I can take on the world.  I see results every time I walk into the gym.  I either hit another PR, or a notice a new bit of definition that wasn't there last time.  So, rolled into one activity I have:

a self esteem boost

a step towards better health

a release of anxiety

a sense of accomplishment

So, why, then, when things are going badly, do I avoid the very thing that will make me feel better?  I looked at my workout journal today and realized it has been one month to the day since I have lifted a weight.

This directly correlates with the realization that I am in a race with the bank to see if they get to foreclose on my house or if I can sell it before they do.  It correlates with the fact that I make nearly $800 a month less than my monthly expenditures, and I am totally maxed out on all of my credit, and I just can't go on this way.

So I skip the gym?

In the wise words of my 9 year old.................

duh.

So what am I going to do about this?  Well, today I got my butt to the gym.  I felt great.  I only lost a tiny bit of strength, which should come back quickly.  I went back to my original full body workout, and for the next two weeks, I am alternating a cardio day and a lifting day, six days a week.  I'm just going to do it until it's a habit as ingrained as brushing my teeth.

This is more than physical well-being at stake here - it's proving to myself that I don't deserve to feel bad and anxious.  It's saying to myself that I get to do things to feel good, no matter what else is going wrong.  It's basically telling me that I MATTER.

Aug 8: Dusting off the Blog

"It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness." ~ Cicero

"It is foolish to eat french fries in grief, as though sorrow will be made less by gaining 50 pounds." ~ Daisy

You may be wondering where I have been for the past month.

I'm going to put it right out there.  I have been wallowing.

And I've come to a grand discovery.  Wallowing does not get you out of a bad situation, it only assures that you will do nothing to change that situation.

So, I'll tell you what's been going on.  List form. It's not been fun.

1.)  I'm selling my house.  I have to sell it before the bank takes it.  I will walk away without a single penny to show for the burgeoning equity that I have in my home because I foolishly borrowed so much money against it that there is not a dime to spare.

2.) I've been unfocused on my diet.  I've remained pretty stable in weight but I have indulged in a few episodes of emotional eating, something I thought was a thing of the past.

3.) On top of the house situation, I am so broke that I've nearly lost my car, my electricity and, heaven forbid, my internet.  We have not a dime to spare. I'm not looking forward to back-to-school expenses.

4.) I began to pull out of my funk, looking at the loss of the house as an opportunity not to be tied down, so I began applying for jobs that spoke to me, all around the US and Canada.

5.) My ex-husband is attempting to ki-bosh my new start by threatening to try to take custody of my youngest daughter from me.  He "refuses to allow it." 

6.) It freaked me out and I spent nearly a week in fetal position, crying my eyes out over the fear of not having my little "bestie"with me.

7.)  A long time friend dumped me, and I really don't blame her.  I've been a horrible friend over the past year, not holding up my end of the bargain on anything.  I don't return calls, I don't return e-mails, I just wallow and wonder what to say that might be construed as positive.  If you read this, and you know who you are, please know that I love you dearly and I am sorry I hurt you.  I have no viable excuse, but know that I will always care about you and think of you, and sincerely want the best for you.

So, that has been my life in a nutshell.  All my pigeons have come home to roost, all at once.  And they are pooping on my head everytime I walk out the damn door.

Clearly, this has not really helped with my depression issues.  But I'm starting to feel stronger.  I am feeling capable of overcoming every single bit of this.

1.) The house is a tangible tie, keeping me in one place where I am not prospering, either financially or as a person.  Without the house, most of my debts are paid and I can go somewhere for a fresh start and new experiences.

2.)  Diet is an easy fix.  I've done it before and can do it again.  I'm starting to think that these little "treats" I'm indulging in are making my stress level and depression worse - you all know that I feel certain additives cause anxiety.  Really, like I need to eat anxiety along with having it all dumped on me!

3.) I'll just keep on trucking with the money, having faith that God will provide.  He always has in the past, and I know that he will keep us afloat in the future.  It's just how that works.

4.)  I'm still looking for my dream job and I have found about 5 that qualify.  Hopefully one of these companies decides that I am their dream employee and wants to relocate me to some fantastic place. I'm changing the focus of my career at the ripe old age of 41 and competing against new college grads for writing positions because, darn it, that is just what I want to do.

5.)  If I ignore him, maybe he'll go away.  Doubtful, but a girl can dream.

6.)  I will move heaven and earth to keep my dauughter with me.  I know that our place is together, and if comes down to a choice between keeping her with me and my dream job, well, my little girl wins every single time. I have high hopes to have both, but if it comes down to a decision, well, there isn't one.

7.) Nothing to be done for this.

So, I'm back to my blog.  Enough moping.  Enough baloney.  I thank you all for sticking with me during my writing strike and I promise to update regularly again.

I'm planning to post eats again to try and keep myself on track.  As soon as I find where I buried the camera, numerous photos of the food I eat shall be published.

Love to all of you!

July 15: A Non-Dietary Rant

Please bear  with me.  Today's post is going to be one part whinefest, one part rant, and one part philosophical life lesson.

First the whinefest.

I talked to my little girl today.  She is in the US visiting with my mom and folks on that side of the family.  She was asking questions about our impending move.  She was crying because it's scary to move.  It's scary not to know what the future will hold. 

I feel like the world's worst mother right now.  Really, what was I thinking quitting a $55K a year job to borrow money and open a bead store?  I was so burned out and wanted so much to be a creative bohemian that I didn't stop to think about what would happen to my family if I did not succeed.  I just jumped in, figuring I would succeed.

Of course, I discovered that I had made a big mistake almost immediately.  Not many people can burn through a ton of money and have a business fail in only three short months.  But fail it did and I fell flat on my face.

Then I let my kids down further by sinking into depression, which also triggered some agoraphobia and major anxiety attacks.  Although I did apply for many jobs, it was 7 months before I could get one.  And the job I got (and have now) pays less than $20K per year.

And now, I'm pissed off.  I am pissed that my dad, such a wonderful person, died and left me without his wonderful advice, while lesser people breathe the air and enjoy the sunshine.  I am enraged with myself for being so irresponsible with my family's future and well-being.  I am so ticked off that I have to sell my house, which I thought wouldn't bother me but is, in reality, breaking my heart.  I am so ticked off at this fucked up situation that I am without words.  If I tried to put it into words a string of unintelligible swear words would just come pouring out of my mouth, making sense to no one.

And finally the philosophical lesson.

First, thank God I have sane rational friends.

I was bemoaning my fate with a dear (and very patient) friend.  I told her, "I'm 41 years old and I am starting all over again!  I had to do that 8 years ago when I got divorced and look at me now, I still have nothing!  I've lost everything!"

"Well, look what you accomplished in 8 years.  You went from minimum wage to $55,000 a year.  You built a career.  You bought a house and a car.  This time, you'll just do it quicker because you already know how."

That stopped me dead in my whiny little tracks because truly, I hadn't thought about it that way. I now have a better way to look at it.  It's not going to be fun, but I know unquestionably that I can pull us up by the bootstraps again, because I have the proof.  I can do this because I've done it before.

And I can teach my kids a very valuable lesson.  Failure sucks ass.  It really does.

But I can also teach them what to do when you fail.  You just get up and start over.

Trying twice takes a lot more strength than trying once.

July 14: Of Snot Bubbles, Eating Crow and Ice Cream

Today, I managed to cry in a pretty way.  Just delicate little tears trickling down my cheeks.

This is not a common thing for me.  Generally if I cry, my face gets red and blotchy and I start blowing a snot bubble out of one or both nostrils.  I don't know how I managed to restrain myself but I'm sure glad I did.  Perhaps controlled weeping is part of a newly acquired skill set that comes with weight loss? 

If you are wondering what the big occasion was, well, today was the day for eating crow.  I went to deal with the people to whom I owe money to tell them, I'm sorry, but I just cannot pay you the total amount.  Spin the wheel, sir, and let's make a deal.  Thankfully, my debt is not to any leg-breaking types, so I arrived home from this humbling event with all limbs intact.

I'd love to tell you everyone took pity on me, we hugged and they said, "Oh, honey, that's okay."

Nope, that only happens on Lifetime movies.  In the real world, the person to whom money is owed watches you very sternly, trying to figure out if you are a con artist or not.  Then they ask you to submit your proposal in writing and they'll get back to you.

My fingers, toes, and other extremities are crossed that they will agree to my terms so that I can put the house on the market and walk away empty-handed, but no longer in debt. 

It sucks to contemplate starting over again at the ripe old age of 41, but people do it all the time.  It scares me that I am in the same place I was eight years ago when I got divorced.  Penniless, with a very low paying job. 

However, I guess that just proved I pulled us out of it once. So I will pull us out of it again.  Why?  Because that's just what I do.

I had to have a very stern conversation with myself regarding ice cream this afternoon.  Could it be a coincidence that my favorite ice cream place is quite near the setting of my humbling experience?  Well, I finally managed to convince myself that it was indeed a coincidence, and drove home without ice cream to write this blog post for you all.

Whatever ends up happening, I'm just looking forward to the end of this process.  The stress is killing me.

July 10: The RFL Sweet Spot

Thankfully, I've hit the point at which RFL is "easy".  By easy I don't mean that I never want something carbolicious, but the cravings are easily bearable and I just automatically eat what I eat.  Food itself loses it's importance and turns to fuel.  I eat because I'm hungry, not because something will taste good.  I select the good because it will meet my protein and veggie requirements, not based on the whim of, "hmmm, what sounds good right now?"

Thus far I am down 4 pounds in 5 days - great start!

I forgot to provide my beginning stats:

Weight: 172

Chest: 41

Waist: 31

Hips: 38.5

This was my starting point.  I'll post updated stats on Monday.

I made a big decision regarding the financial stress I whined wrote about on my last post.

I'm selling my house.

It won't pay off every dime of the financial pit I have sunk into but it will certainly take off a lot of the pressure.  It will reduce my monthly living expenses by nearly $900 a month, allowing me to actually live within my means. (relief!)

It's funny how things happen.  I made that decision, and the very next day, things started going my way.

* I got an unexpected check in the mail instead of a bill

* I got a call telling me about some unexpected money coming my way (only $17 but better than owing $17)

* I got a raise at work - not a lot but it works out to an extra $120 a month

In my personal philosophy, those things are God's stamp of approval on my decision.

The next week will be frantically busy as I scrub and declutter, getting my home ready for a *quick* sale and negotiating with those to whom I owe money. 

Of course the next questions everyone asks are these:  Where are you moving? What are you going to do next?

My answer to both is, "I don't know."  My hope is that this decision will open me up to opportunities that being tied to one place won't allow.  At 41, I really want meaningful employment.  I want to feel positive and creative at the end of the day.  I want to feel like I made a contribution through my work.  I want to have the time and peace to enjoy my kids.  I am open to whatever the universe brings my way.  I know, when the time comes, the right opportunity will present itself.  If nothing exciting is in the works, then I will just move here in town and keep my daughter in the same school and relish the freedom of not spending more than I make.

For now, though, I'm dreaming of a better future.

July 7: Dollars, Diets, and Doldrums

Well, yesterday was definitely rougher, diet-wise, than today.  Not by much but I felt a little more energetic today, at least.

The stress of being broke is starting to really get to me.  You know how sometimes you can slide by without enough money for a long time, and then suddenly your precarious house of financial cards begins to shake, and one by one, they all come fluttering down? 

Every day this week, I have come home to one, if not two, items that must immediately be paid or terrible consequences will occur.  It's really starting to wear on me.  Today I came home, feeling fairly pumped to go to the gym and get a half an hour of weights in, and found two messages of impending financial doom.  Now, I just feel like sitting here like a big slug.  I'm hungry, I'm cranky and I make minimum wage.  Sigh.

Something is going to have to give.  I need to take a long hard look at the budget, but it's hard to make a budget when your income doesn't pay for your necessities.  Okay. Whinefest is over.  We will now resume our regularly scheduled blogging.

Stress has such an effect on dieting, especially super-strict dieting like I'm doing right now.  At least I no longer have the urge to drown my sorrows in cheeseburgers, because that would be even worse.  But all of the less than pleasant side effects of adjusting to this diet seem to be multiplied.  I feel shaky.  Is that from anxiety or from lack of carbs?  I have a headache.  Is that financially related or is it a side effect of being effing hungry?  I can't concentrate.  Is that because my brain is whirling around in my head, hoping to randomly land on an answer, or is it because I'd really like to have a donut and a bowl of mashed potatoes?

Okay, I guess the Whinefest had that one little encore presentation.

Eats have been a lot easier to figure out this time around because I'm just repeating previous meal plans.

meal one: egg white omelet, veggies, tiny amount of shredded cheddar
meal two: tuna, fat free mayo, and veggies; or leftovers
meal three: chicken concoction with veggies
meal four: protein float

I have to confess, that Diet Root Beer protein float is the highlight of my day right now!

To paraphrase Scarlett O'Hara, I'll think about the rest of it tomorrow.

Jan. 30 ~ January wrap up

Well, the end of the month is near. I always like to look over my month and see what my victories were and where I need to improve.

Victories:

* Lost 5 pounds
* Worked out steadily for the last two weeks of the month
* Avoided binge eating despite extreme stress
* Article is prepped and ready to be submitted

Learning Opportunities:

* Could have kept my eating tighter, although it was technically clean
* When I skip workouts I tend to continue skipping workouts
* I MUST cut back on the stress in my life if I hope for continued success
* My water intake suffers when I am under pressure

I'm not thrilled with January. I feel like I have let life get in the way of my goals. It is going to take a lot longer to get where I want to be at the rate I went this month. I need a new resolve to meet my goals in an expeditious manner. 5 pounds is better than nothing, or a gain, but not what I had hoped for. I'll weigh in again on the last day of the month and hope at least one more pound is gone.

In February, I need to refocus on where I want to be.
* I am going to make a vision board to hang in a prominent place, as recommended by several people.
* I'm going to work on the stressors in my life which includes making a doctor's appointment regarding my anxiety and some bothersome health issues
* I am going to purge the storage areas of my house to clean them out and to try and raise some money
* I'm going to increase my water intake by drinking 500 mLs of water as soon as I wake up and before I have coffee.
* I am going to increase my protein by drinking more skim milk
* I am going to work on staying on schedule for meals.
* I'm going to continue working out as soon as DD9 leaves for school.

I recommend analyzing your previous month and using that analysis to set goals for the next month. Good luck in February, everyone!

Jan. 25: Stress

Do you ever feel the victim to so much stress you just don't know what to do with it all? I'm there. Sometimes I actually miss the boost from the nasty white carbs, even though it was momentary. That 20 minutes or so of relief from the stress and anxiety of life would be a welcome relief right about now.

However, I have killed that particular vice with knowledge. Understanding how I will feel afterwards, physically and mentally, means that I don't even get that brief reprieve from life. Understanding the cycle of eating, then crashing, then eating some more, means that it just isn't worth it.

I'm glad, because this way, life is not derailing me from my goals.

I need a better way to deal with stress. The headaches/neck aches that I have been getting are unbelievable in their intensity.

Here is what is going on:

1.) Money problems
2.) Trouble getting work - I've sent off over 100 resumes and no job yet
3.) Problems with my teen daughter - she wants to move in with Dad and it is breaking my heart in two

Unfortunately, none of these problems are easily solvable. There are too many variables. It isn't often in life that I have had issues I could not tackle head on and take care of. That's why this is so tough for me. I'm trying to make a road map to get through it.

1.) Daily exercise, even if only for 10 minutes
2.) Keeping my surroundings tidy and pleasant
3.) Eat well
4.) Sell some things we no longer use on Kijiji and Ebay
5.) Spend an hour a day sending off more resumes
6.) Spending time outside when weather allows
7.)Write it down- I'm making lists and crossing things off, and I'm using this blog and a personal journal to deal with my feelings.
8.) Visiting a chiropractor to see if anything can be done about the neck pain.
9.) Researching and writing my blog - my goal is to one day turn some of this information into a book so that I can reach more people with my message about the poisons in the North American food supply.
10.) Turn off the computer - I tend to play on the computer when I am stressed instead of taking concrete actions.

So you guys can expect entries - lots of entries - over the next little while. I know I will get my feet back on the ground soon. Daisy will get her groove back.

I know that life goes on. It really seems that when my dad passed away last year I totally lost control of my life in my grief. He'd be so disappointed in me, but he would have some great advice if he was here. He was always my touchstone, my tether to reality and practicality.

It all boils down to this: I miss you, Daddy. I'll pull it all back together in memory of you.

Jan. 12: Eats for the past few days

I haven't written anything personal for a few days. Life has been pretty high stress for me lately. I am re-vamping my business and searching for employment, all at the same time. There have been so many things going on that I haven't had the heart to write about it.

I realized last night though, that writing about it is my therapy. It is what helps me to deal with stress and sort things out. I also think that sometimes, seeing my stress and the insights I gain from writing it out, might help some of you. If there was someone who was about to throw their hands up in the air and say, "I give up! I quit! There is too much going on for me to keep up this Clean Eating stuff!" perhaps reading what I have to say could help, even just a little. So I'll put it out there for you.

Business has been poor. I went to see a consultant last week. He recommended that I close my bead store and focus on the aspects of the business that are successful, namely, the Internet and the birthday parties. He also supported the idea of me seeking full time employment.

Financially we are in a pickle. Car payment is late, mortgage payment is just barely on time, and I only have the money to make one more payment. Because I hoard food, my pantry and freezers are full of good clean staples, so I am able to keep the grocery bills down. I've sent out more than 40 resumes in the past few days, begun cleaning out what was to be my workout room for make space for inventory, and worked on my new website.

My daughter and I have been battling each other lately, as moms and teen-aged girls are prone to doing. My ex has gotten involved as a mediator between us, which while necessary, is still darned annoying.

It has just seemed like there is no respite for all that is going on.

In the old days, this would have sent me scurrying off to Wendy's in search of a comforting triple cheeseburger and fries. For some reason, I have been forcing myself to choke down food during this time. In a way it comforts me because I feel like this is a further sign that I am conquering emotional eating. I also know that I have to eat more to keep my metabolism quick and healthy.

Here is the food for the past few two days:

Sat:
M1: Tuna and crackers w/ a little light mayo (must get rid of the mayo - note to self)
M2: Salad w/ the rest of the can of tuna, Newman's OV dressing, watermelon chunks
M3:Popcorn with Parmesan
M4: Trail Mix
M5: Taco salad made w/ greens and leftover chili

Sun:
M1: Whole grain cranberry English muffin, nat pb, 1/2 apple
M2: Turkey chili, Kashi crackers
M3:Shepherds pie made with ground turkey, potatoes, carrots, peas and corn
M4: a few bite of popcorn

Mon:
M1: 1 slice toast w/ nat pb
M2:Chicken breast w/ steamed veggies
M3: WW spaghetti, turkey meatballs, clean marinara sauce
M4: WW cranberry English muffin, butter, cinnamon and honey

Today is looking way better
M1: The last delicious English muffin, nat pb, pear
M2: Refried beans (fat free), tomatilla salsa, multigrain tortilla chips
M3: Trail mix
M4: Pita pizza w/ g. turkey, mushrooms and onion, fresh organic mozzarella
M5: Fruit or popcorn

So I am definitely getting back on track. For exercise, I went for a walk in the woods w/ DD9 and the dog on Saturday - we tramped through a foot of snow for about 30-40 minutes - it felt great. Monday I carried 1700 (yep - you read that right) 1700 books from the upstairs room down to the main floor. I felt like that was quite a substantial work out.

Things get better - they always do, and I feel good about keeping the food clean, even if it hasn't been perfectly on track. That is something I never could have done 2 months ago so I feel like I am growing as a person even while I am shrinking (in the waist);)

Have a squeaky clean day!

Dec. 23 - STRESS

Because I have been so aware of my foods and I have been writing in this journal every day, I am really seeing the link between food and stress for me. This is something I have to conquer if I am ever to have a true healthy way of life, for the rest of my life. The New Year is going to be dedicated to resolving this issue.

Here are my current stressors:
1.) MONEY
2.) The loss of my Dad
3.) Rocky relationship with my Mom
4.) I have a teenager (need I say more?)
5.) My ex lets the kids down

Rationally, I am aware eating crap because of these things does no make me feel better anymore, even for a moment. Because I am aware of what I am doing even while I am doing it, I am not getting one second of respite from the stress by stuffing my face.

I got up early and went to Walmart to finish up shopping. Mission accomplished!!!! Hooray! While the kids are at Dad's tonight I will finish wrapping. I am also going to prep our Christmas day food.

Today's eats:

M1: Skim milk latte, ww toast w/ nat pb (eaten while shopping at Walmart this morning)
M2: 1 % yogurt, blackberries, Kashi crunch cereal
M3: Grilled chicken w/ a skim of not clean BBQ sauce (contains sugar), 1/2 ww bun, carrots
M4: Banana, nuts
M5: Turkey tostada, guacamole

I'm feeling good about today and business is booming with pre-Christmas sales.

Have a great day everyone!