Saturday, September 4, 2010

Sept. 4: Digging In

Now that the number one stressor in my life is resolved (money, employment and lack thereof), it's time to get things back on track.

I can focus because:

a.)  I have a job that will pay enough for me to actually live on.
b.)  I know what city to focus my apartment hunt on
c.)  I know things are turning around for the better

So, now to attack the things I have let go:  my diet and exercise plan.

I'm disappointed.  I thought that I had conquered emotional eating.  What I've learned is that you don't conquer it - it's like being a recovering alcoholic, and it's something that will always be there.  I can manage it through most things but if the stress is intense enough I will cave.

I have to forgive myself, first of all.  I need to look at the situation as a friend would see it.  I need to take a look at the things I have been going through, understand that it was an intolerable situation, and let it go.  I have to be kind and understanding to myself, which is way easier said than done when you are a perfectionist. 

So what do you do when you've screwed up and put on 8 hard-fought pounds during "maintenance"?

I'm no expert (except for the putting on pounds part), but I guess I just need to start dieting again.  After 8 months of it, I should be darned good at it.

I'm going back to the beginning of my plan and starting from there.

I'm going to combine Tosca Reno's Clean Eating diet with calorie counting.  My biggest mistake occurred when I stopped tracking my food.  If I had logged it and seen that I was consuming 2000-3000 calories a day, I think I would have caught this before I gained 8 pounds.  But maybe I didn't want to catch it.  Perhaps I just wanted to indulge and try to feel better.

Anyway, today I begin tracking my food and cutting out all the processed junk.  There is nothing "bad" in my house right now, so no purge is needed.  I have delicious and healthy groceries in the fridge and I'm going to do some food prep for the week ahead.  I'm going to leave the debit card and cash at home so that there is no way to veer off course through a handy drive through.  I'm going to start boring you all by posting my eats, calories and macros, as well as my work outs.

I'm glad I have a long weekend to detox myself and get back on track!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Sept 2: New Day

So yesterday, the phone rang during my bitter funk, and it was for a job that pays more than twice what the one I quit paid.  I start today!  It's at a place I used to work, in a position that I am somewhat familiar with, so I feel no first day jitters about it.

I also want to say thank you so much for the warm notes of support you guys sent to me yesterday, both here and privately.  Reading them made me feel so cared for by friends, some of whom I've never met, but feel like I know so well.

I'm off to pack my healthy food for WORK.  Hopefully this reduction of stress will help me to make better choices now that I can concentrate on other things again.  I also now have a plan.  I'm moving to the town that the job is in by October 1, whether the house has sold or not.  It's within the same region so my ex husband can't do anything about it - my problems with him are over - the current one anyway - he always dreams up something new.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sept.2: No Direction

This sign is a perfect example of my life right now. 

I'm not impressed with myself.

I've gained back about 8 pounds - that hard-fought 8 pounds that it nearly killed me to take off.  I'm really not impressed with myself, because I thought I had resolved my emotional eating issues, and here they are, rearing their ugly heads again.

Potato chips really don't make me feel better.  I keep thinking they will, but they just make me fit, which makes me feel worse.

At this point my blog is turning into a sounding board instead of a place of inspiration, which was not the image I've had in mind for it.  However, it is what it is, and I promised from the beginning to keep things real.

So here is my reality.

~ I lost my job at the cesspool.  I quit, actually, which probably sounds pretty stupid.  I told them once school started, there was no option, I had to have days.  I explained I have a 9 year old little girl at home.  What did they do?  They made my schedule for now until Christmas and the shift is 3:30 to midnight!  I would NEVER see my daughter.  I'd have to wake her up in the middle of the night to bring her home every night. No.  Just, no.

~ So, I am unemployed yet again.

~ I've applied for a job that I was supposed to hear about yesterday.  It was something that the company contacted me about.  I even filled in there part time until they made their hiring decision.  I fear that since I didn't hear from them yesterday, I did not get the job.

~ I went to the bank yesterday and stopped payment on my mortgages.  The house is on the market.  Basically if it does not sell in 30 days, the bank will take it.  Either way, my credit is shot.  I'll be living a cash life, I suppose. I just feel like I need to hoard that money for those payments because Rachel and I must have a place to live when all is said and done.

~ I have a couple of other job leads.  If these don't pan out, I must make some very quick decisions, like where the heck I'm going to live.  I think if I don't get these jobs, I need to move somewhere with more opportunities.  I'm a pretty qualified person and I've been unemployed on and off for over a year now.  This area is dry, at least for me.

~ I'm feeling very sorry for myself right about now.  Luckily I have the world's best friends, who have promised that I won't have to look for a sturdy refrigerator box.  My philosopher friend, S, has me thinking in a different direction.  She told me, "You didn't want to work in that industry to start with.  You didn't want to live in this area to start with.  You wanted to follow your dreams, and maybe these rejections are pointing you in that direction."  I love you, S - you are the perfect friend.

~  My ex-husband thinks that he should have custody of our daughter.  I have sole custody of both of our girls, but my oldest (15) has chosen to live with her dad.  There is not a lot of supervision there.  He, who is thousands of dollars behind in child support, feels that he can provide more financial stability.  I would comment further but I try not to swear in my blog.  It may require legal action for me to be allowed to move out of this area. Nine years after the divorce, and he is still trying to control my life.  If I lost custody of my little one, I honestly don't think I could survive that.

~ None of the above is really helping with my depression and anxiety disorder.

People keep telling me how strong I am.  But anyone can finally get knocked down so many times they can't get back up again.  Is this that knockout punch for me?  Financial disaster, custody issues, unemployment and out of control eating patterns?

My world, such as it is, has spiralled out of my control.  I hope that whoever is at the wheel has my best interests at heart.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Aug. 29: Grrr

I am wildly attracted to the food group, "Crunchy Salties."  I've had a hell of a week, actually a hell of a year.  I've been doing well fighting off the emotional eating demons until now.

Now, I just want Crunchy Salties, and I'll; be darned if I'm not shoveling them in.  Daisy of the iron control - well, my friends, that iron has been melted and now it's just a soggy puddle of gray stuff at my feet.

I've used my usual coping mechanisms.  I've prepped my food ahead of time.  I always have something ready for a quick snack or meal.  I take a walk when I'm hungry.  Grrr.....  I'm journaling, as you can plainly see, about this issue.

Now a week of this is not going to put me back at square number one, but I have the same "Screw it" attitude right now that got me above 200 pounds in the first place. The scale is up TEN POUNDS from last week.  I'm reasonable, I know I did not eat 10 pounds worth of Doritos and Ruffles, but I'm retaining huge water from the salt and I'm certain that I've gained a few pounds.

A few weeks ago I gave away every single item of clothing I own that is too big for me right now.  I did this in self defense, because if the day comes where I can't fit into my clothes, I'll have no other option but to lose weight - I can't afford new stuff!

This week, the focus is on using every tool in my arsenal to get back on track nutritionally.  I'm far better armed for this battle than I was a year ago.  I've learned so much about dieting properly, working out, and myself, that I know I can succeed.

One thing I realized today is that the person staring out of the mirror at me, mocking me, is someone I don't know.  I don't know what looks good on me anymore.  I am having some trouble not being the fat girl.  It's disconcerting to catch a glimpse of myself in a store window and not realize it's me that I'm looking at. Thinner women are definitely treated differently out in the world.  It's like I've gone from being completely invisible to being someone that people notice.

Maybe this attack of identity crisis is some of the issue.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with the endless barrage of financial issues.  I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night when there is a vehicle idling outside my house, certain it's the repo man, here for my care.  I'm waiting for the bank to call and say, "You have 10 days to get out - we are taking back our house."  I cringe at the ringing of the phone because I know it's only going to be another person to whom I owe money.  At the grocery store, I watch the register intently so I can stop the cashier from ringing in an item that brings me over my budget for that day.  Opening the mailbox each day, I feel as though there might be a cobra in there, coiled and ready to strike.  Often there is a cobra, and it's named The Electric Company, The Cable Company or Chrysler Financial.  The worst thing of it is that I'm taking all the steps to get out of this pit and they simply aren't working.

No wonder my head hurts.

People tell me I'm strong, but really, I'm not.  I'm doing what anyone else would do if faced with the housing option of a cardboard refrigerator box.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other, trying to keep the wolves away from the door. It's just what you do - you keep trying because giving up has even worse consequences.

And really, I feel guilty when I think about all of the families in Pakistan who have lost their homes due to flooding.  When you put things in that perspective, my life is a walk in the park, comparatively.

I need to go throw out the Crunchy Salties now.