First the whinefest.
I talked to my little girl today. She is in the US visiting with my mom and folks on that side of the family. She was asking questions about our impending move. She was crying because it's scary to move. It's scary not to know what the future will hold.
I feel like the world's worst mother right now. Really, what was I thinking quitting a $55K a year job to borrow money and open a bead store? I was so burned out and wanted so much to be a creative bohemian that I didn't stop to think about what would happen to my family if I did not succeed. I just jumped in, figuring I would succeed.
Of course, I discovered that I had made a big mistake almost immediately. Not many people can burn through a ton of money and have a business fail in only three short months. But fail it did and I fell flat on my face.
Then I let my kids down further by sinking into depression, which also triggered some agoraphobia and major anxiety attacks. Although I did apply for many jobs, it was 7 months before I could get one. And the job I got (and have now) pays less than $20K per year.
And now, I'm pissed off. I am pissed that my dad, such a wonderful person, died and left me without his wonderful advice, while lesser people breathe the air and enjoy the sunshine. I am enraged with myself for being so irresponsible with my family's future and well-being. I am so ticked off that I have to sell my house, which I thought wouldn't bother me but is, in reality, breaking my heart. I am so ticked off at this fucked up situation that I am without words. If I tried to put it into words a string of unintelligible swear words would just come pouring out of my mouth, making sense to no one.
And finally the philosophical lesson.
First, thank God I have sane rational friends.
I was bemoaning my fate with a dear (and very patient) friend. I told her, "I'm 41 years old and I am starting all over again! I had to do that 8 years ago when I got divorced and look at me now, I still have nothing! I've lost everything!"
"Well, look what you accomplished in 8 years. You went from minimum wage to $55,000 a year. You built a career. You bought a house and a car. This time, you'll just do it quicker because you already know how."
That stopped me dead in my whiny little tracks because truly, I hadn't thought about it that way. I now have a better way to look at it. It's not going to be fun, but I know unquestionably that I can pull us up by the bootstraps again, because I have the proof. I can do this because I've done it before.
And I can teach my kids a very valuable lesson. Failure sucks ass. It really does.
But I can also teach them what to do when you fail. You just get up and start over.
Trying twice takes a lot more strength than trying once.
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