Dec. 13: Is It Over Yet?

I should have realized my day was not going to go well when my food scale didn't work this morning.  There's always a sign.

Of course, I ignored the omen and cheerfully eyeballed my food and chucked it into the lunch pail.

It was freezing here in the southernmost part of Ontario this morning - well below freezing, with an awful windchill factor.  I forgot to warm up my car ahead of times, and my doors were frozen shut.  I had to pour hot water over the drive side door to get into my car and then, shivering and damp, had to scrape all the windows to remove the sheet of ice that was under the snow.

Brrrrr....... I'm not a winter fan, but I do love my adopted country.

At work, Monday-itis seemed to strike most of our customers, leaving them annoyed and irritable.  The appointment schedule was vastly overbooked, only fueling the flame of impatient and unhappy customers.  Imagine my delight.

When I heated up my lunch, the chicken smelled funky - really funky - and I was afraid to eat it.  Instead I indulged in 2 cookies and a cinnamon roll.  That was definitely helpful to my goals today.

Sigh.

In the interest of self-accountability, here are the numbers for today:

Calories: 1950
Carbs: 231
Fat: 78
Protein: 99

The cookies were so good.  I am not as remorseful as I should be.

The weigh-in this morning seemed off - I will try it again tomorrow and see if it is similar and post then.  I don't think I could've gained 3 pounds over the past week, considering that the calories were pretty well under control.

Sometimes a girl just needs a whole lot of water and a good poop before a weigh in.

And that is my quote of the day!!!  I hope your Mondays all went well.  Tuesday has gotta be better!

Aug 8: Dusting off the Blog

"It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness." ~ Cicero

"It is foolish to eat french fries in grief, as though sorrow will be made less by gaining 50 pounds." ~ Daisy

You may be wondering where I have been for the past month.

I'm going to put it right out there.  I have been wallowing.

And I've come to a grand discovery.  Wallowing does not get you out of a bad situation, it only assures that you will do nothing to change that situation.

So, I'll tell you what's been going on.  List form. It's not been fun.

1.)  I'm selling my house.  I have to sell it before the bank takes it.  I will walk away without a single penny to show for the burgeoning equity that I have in my home because I foolishly borrowed so much money against it that there is not a dime to spare.

2.) I've been unfocused on my diet.  I've remained pretty stable in weight but I have indulged in a few episodes of emotional eating, something I thought was a thing of the past.

3.) On top of the house situation, I am so broke that I've nearly lost my car, my electricity and, heaven forbid, my internet.  We have not a dime to spare. I'm not looking forward to back-to-school expenses.

4.) I began to pull out of my funk, looking at the loss of the house as an opportunity not to be tied down, so I began applying for jobs that spoke to me, all around the US and Canada.

5.) My ex-husband is attempting to ki-bosh my new start by threatening to try to take custody of my youngest daughter from me.  He "refuses to allow it." 

6.) It freaked me out and I spent nearly a week in fetal position, crying my eyes out over the fear of not having my little "bestie"with me.

7.)  A long time friend dumped me, and I really don't blame her.  I've been a horrible friend over the past year, not holding up my end of the bargain on anything.  I don't return calls, I don't return e-mails, I just wallow and wonder what to say that might be construed as positive.  If you read this, and you know who you are, please know that I love you dearly and I am sorry I hurt you.  I have no viable excuse, but know that I will always care about you and think of you, and sincerely want the best for you.

So, that has been my life in a nutshell.  All my pigeons have come home to roost, all at once.  And they are pooping on my head everytime I walk out the damn door.

Clearly, this has not really helped with my depression issues.  But I'm starting to feel stronger.  I am feeling capable of overcoming every single bit of this.

1.) The house is a tangible tie, keeping me in one place where I am not prospering, either financially or as a person.  Without the house, most of my debts are paid and I can go somewhere for a fresh start and new experiences.

2.)  Diet is an easy fix.  I've done it before and can do it again.  I'm starting to think that these little "treats" I'm indulging in are making my stress level and depression worse - you all know that I feel certain additives cause anxiety.  Really, like I need to eat anxiety along with having it all dumped on me!

3.) I'll just keep on trucking with the money, having faith that God will provide.  He always has in the past, and I know that he will keep us afloat in the future.  It's just how that works.

4.)  I'm still looking for my dream job and I have found about 5 that qualify.  Hopefully one of these companies decides that I am their dream employee and wants to relocate me to some fantastic place. I'm changing the focus of my career at the ripe old age of 41 and competing against new college grads for writing positions because, darn it, that is just what I want to do.

5.)  If I ignore him, maybe he'll go away.  Doubtful, but a girl can dream.

6.)  I will move heaven and earth to keep my dauughter with me.  I know that our place is together, and if comes down to a choice between keeping her with me and my dream job, well, my little girl wins every single time. I have high hopes to have both, but if it comes down to a decision, well, there isn't one.

7.) Nothing to be done for this.

So, I'm back to my blog.  Enough moping.  Enough baloney.  I thank you all for sticking with me during my writing strike and I promise to update regularly again.

I'm planning to post eats again to try and keep myself on track.  As soon as I find where I buried the camera, numerous photos of the food I eat shall be published.

Love to all of you!

Jan. 15: Some more GB&U

GB&U - good, bad and ugly. That has been my promise all along - to bring you the whole thing. So today is decidedly UGLY. I am going through some rough stuff personally, as many of you know. My business is undergoing some major changes. I am closing the retail location and moving the stock to the house. The business will shift from retail to wholesale and most of the selling will be done online. We will also continue with the birthday parties, my favorite part of the business. I'll post a link to the website once I have it up and running. How fun is it to go to a little girl's birthday party several times a week!?! As positive as some of the changes are, it was still a sad day, packing up the contents of my beautiful bead store.

Throughout this whole changeover, I have been fairly well in control of the eating. Today, though, not so much. I just had kind of a "screw it" attitude about food today and it shows!

M1: ww toast, nat. pb, apple
......and then it all went to heck on a greased slide....
I ordered a turkey club on brown bread from the local diner. On the plus side, it was real turkey, not lunch meat, and I threw away the middle piece of bread and the processed cheese. I ate about 10-15 of the french fries that it came with and it looked like they had not been touched - it honestly came with about 10 servings of fries! On the negative side, well, those 10-15 fries. It had mayo on it, which I wiped off the best I could, and the bacon, yes the bacon. I ate 3/4 of my sandwich.
M3: Coffee with skim milk and organic cane sugar
M4: Also not great! The kids helped out and I took them to Harvey's for dinner. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich combo with a salad and water. I got a whole wheat bun, but it didn't appeal, so I pitched most of it and just ate the chicken. I was not very hungry, so I brought the salad home and put it in the fridge for tomorrow.

As you can see, there was a total lack of produce today. My stomach was rolling after that lunch and I had to pop Tums to settle it down. I would have been much better served to have eaten something clean for better energy today.

Like I have said before though, what makes me a clean eater and a healthy person is the fact that tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up and have my toast, pb and apple. I'm not going to say "Forget it, I've blown the weekend - I'll just go out for bacon and eggs!" I'm going to get right back on the plan that has been so successful for me thus far. I will be in control of my food, even if it seems like there is nothing else in my life I can be in control of right now. Tomorrow I will pack my cooler bag that has not left my side since I bought it, and I will be right back on the horse.

I want to thank you all for the kind words of support that you leave, and for the fact that you read my blog so regularly. It really helps to keep me accountable to know that you guys are reading and learning as I learn. The way I am able to own up to my mistakes here in Cyberland is by acknowledging that we all do it. I think that it is important to show our humanity and by openly admitting to my mistakes, and discussing what I have learned from them, perhaps one person will look at this and think, "Okay, if Daisy can eat everything in sight and start right back up again, so can I." One meal or one bad day does not destroy all your hard work. I am certain that although my day was unhealthy, it doesn't undo the 6 weeks of hard work I have put in or the pounds that I have lost.

I'm not going to keep the bad streak going, because that is how you fail. You succeed by looking at your mistakes and then putting them behind you. And since I intend to be a Success Story, that is exactly what I am going to do!

Jan. 12: Eats for the past few days

I haven't written anything personal for a few days. Life has been pretty high stress for me lately. I am re-vamping my business and searching for employment, all at the same time. There have been so many things going on that I haven't had the heart to write about it.

I realized last night though, that writing about it is my therapy. It is what helps me to deal with stress and sort things out. I also think that sometimes, seeing my stress and the insights I gain from writing it out, might help some of you. If there was someone who was about to throw their hands up in the air and say, "I give up! I quit! There is too much going on for me to keep up this Clean Eating stuff!" perhaps reading what I have to say could help, even just a little. So I'll put it out there for you.

Business has been poor. I went to see a consultant last week. He recommended that I close my bead store and focus on the aspects of the business that are successful, namely, the Internet and the birthday parties. He also supported the idea of me seeking full time employment.

Financially we are in a pickle. Car payment is late, mortgage payment is just barely on time, and I only have the money to make one more payment. Because I hoard food, my pantry and freezers are full of good clean staples, so I am able to keep the grocery bills down. I've sent out more than 40 resumes in the past few days, begun cleaning out what was to be my workout room for make space for inventory, and worked on my new website.

My daughter and I have been battling each other lately, as moms and teen-aged girls are prone to doing. My ex has gotten involved as a mediator between us, which while necessary, is still darned annoying.

It has just seemed like there is no respite for all that is going on.

In the old days, this would have sent me scurrying off to Wendy's in search of a comforting triple cheeseburger and fries. For some reason, I have been forcing myself to choke down food during this time. In a way it comforts me because I feel like this is a further sign that I am conquering emotional eating. I also know that I have to eat more to keep my metabolism quick and healthy.

Here is the food for the past few two days:

Sat:
M1: Tuna and crackers w/ a little light mayo (must get rid of the mayo - note to self)
M2: Salad w/ the rest of the can of tuna, Newman's OV dressing, watermelon chunks
M3:Popcorn with Parmesan
M4: Trail Mix
M5: Taco salad made w/ greens and leftover chili

Sun:
M1: Whole grain cranberry English muffin, nat pb, 1/2 apple
M2: Turkey chili, Kashi crackers
M3:Shepherds pie made with ground turkey, potatoes, carrots, peas and corn
M4: a few bite of popcorn

Mon:
M1: 1 slice toast w/ nat pb
M2:Chicken breast w/ steamed veggies
M3: WW spaghetti, turkey meatballs, clean marinara sauce
M4: WW cranberry English muffin, butter, cinnamon and honey

Today is looking way better
M1: The last delicious English muffin, nat pb, pear
M2: Refried beans (fat free), tomatilla salsa, multigrain tortilla chips
M3: Trail mix
M4: Pita pizza w/ g. turkey, mushrooms and onion, fresh organic mozzarella
M5: Fruit or popcorn

So I am definitely getting back on track. For exercise, I went for a walk in the woods w/ DD9 and the dog on Saturday - we tramped through a foot of snow for about 30-40 minutes - it felt great. Monday I carried 1700 (yep - you read that right) 1700 books from the upstairs room down to the main floor. I felt like that was quite a substantial work out.

Things get better - they always do, and I feel good about keeping the food clean, even if it hasn't been perfectly on track. That is something I never could have done 2 months ago so I feel like I am growing as a person even while I am shrinking (in the waist);)

Have a squeaky clean day!

Jan. 7: Little Victories

It's really important to celebrate the little victories. An entire year of little victories can lead to a whole pile of pounds lost and health gained. Too often we beat ourselves up for the mistakes we make and not often enough do we congratulate ourselves on the things we do right.

I wanted to take some time today to reflect on some clean eating victories I have had over the past month and a half:

* I haven't had even a sip of Diet Coke since Nov. 30
* I didn't use the holidays as an excuse to eat with abandon
* I lost one pound the week of Christmas
* I lost one pound the week of New Year's
* My "cheat" meals are getting healthier every time
* I don't crave sugar anymore
* I have started working out again
* I no longer enjoy eating out - I prefer my homemade clean food
* I have not caved to emotional eating during a very stressful time in my personal life
* I am able to limit myself to a couple of bites of a cookie or other unhealthy treat without feeling deprived
* I carry a water bottle around with my constantly

I feel like clean eating is now my habit, where before going through the drive thru was my habit. I love the health and vibrancy I get from eating clean. All of these baby steps over the past 5 weeks have led to a weight loss of 13 pounds. I feel more motivated than ever to keep it up. I now celebrate saying "No thank you" when someone offers me a bite of something that isn't good for me. I celebrate getting through a bad day without reaching for the Oreos. A cheat has gone from a triple cheese burger, fries and a Frosty to a slice of thin crust chicken and veggie pizza.

Make sure to look at the little picture on your journey too. Celebrate every single one of those little victories that you achieve on your way to a healthier self.

I have had kind of a rotten week personally this week. I have had financial issues, arguments with my daughter, problems with my ex and trouble with my business. I feel a sense of accomplishment that I have not caved to emotional eating throughout this week. My food hasn't been perfect. In fact, strangely I have to force myself to eat, which has never happened before. So I have had less food than scheduled and the intake of fruits and veggies has been low. I also have to work on getting my water consumption up and this week's workouts have gone by the wayside.

All of that aside, I lost 2 pounds and I ate clean, so I'm claiming this week as a victory.

Today's food (don't expect a lot -I had a meeting that ran late and the microwave melted a baggie on my Brussels sprouts )

m1: whole wheat toast, natural peanut butter ( in the car on the way to meeting)
m2: chicken breast, apple
m3: trail mix
m4: tostada w/refried beans and chicken or beef, veggies, jalapeno relish
m5: popcorn or fruit

Cheers to all of our little victories!

Daisy

Jan. 5: A Little Cheese with My Whine

Today has really been a mixed bag. I have to whine a little. My 14 year old is staging a rebellion about the food and she really has me worried. She refuses to eat breakfast unless I buy commercial bagels and sugar-y cereal. Nope, not gonna happen. So then she starves until lunch and buys (with her own money) pizza and fries at school. I don't want to see her end up killing her metabolism out of spite!!!

Just so you know, when trying to change the kids over the course doesn't always flow smoothly. I'd hate for you guys to think that it's always sunshine and roses here. I'm sure things will even out shortly but it makes me feel so badly when she refuses to take suggestions from me.

This was also a stressful day at work. I did my financial statements and ew. Not quite what it needs to be! I have a few ideas to bring in some more money; it's just hard to see the numbers in black (red) and white!

To ice today's beautiful cake, I forgot to put the chili in the crockpot this morning!!! So dinner time rolled around with no dinner.

There's a bright side of this coin of a day though! I'm comparing this to what would have happened before Clean Eating took over my kitchen. I did not go through McDonald's drive thru, I did not order pizza, nor did I eat chips, dip, and ice cream for dinner. I went to the fridge and pulled out last nights leftover roast beef, some crusty bakery fresh dinner rolls and a container of freshly made fruit salad. We had roast beef and cheese sandwiches on dinner rolls (I just had one) and fruit salad for supper. It was great and I feel like a success.

Today's Eats:

M1: whole grain toast, natural pb, apple
M2: roast beef, brussel sprouts, 1/2 whole wheat dinner roll
M3: lasagna ( fairly clean except for the white pasta - homemade by someone else - everything is from scratch)
M4: trail mix
M5: roast beef and NZ cheddar sandwich, dinner roll, fruit salad
M6: brown bag popcorn

A bit high on the carbs today but all in all, not a weight gain day and fairly clean - and great for such a stressful day.

Dec. 21 - Yesterday did NOT go well

Yesterday was just a wash. My last day off before Christmas and all I did was fight with my kids, eat garbage and run around pointlessly.

My kid's ended up missing their visit with their Dad and his family so they were cranky and miserable. I went to the party I said I would go to, didn't know anyone and just nibbled on food for something to do. Grrr. I ate a handful each of Ruffles and Doritos and one cookie.

I came home from the cookie exchange deciding I would be under control for the rest of the day. Which of course is when I discovered the kids still at home and quite unhappy. I took my little one out for a while to help get her mind off things while my older one went to a friend's house. Thought all was well and then we all just started driving each other nuts. So after a healthy supper, I ate 3 more stupid, thrice damned cookies.

This morning I am packing up the cookies into the bags that we are giving them away in. I am going to put some in the freezer for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, and another batch for our New Year's Eve party. I MUST GET THESE COOKIES OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!!

Yesterday's food. (be prepared - this is dismal)

M1: Toast w/ natural pb, pineapple
M2: cantaloupe, pineapple, NZ cheddar ( all natural), Kashi crackers, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers
M3: All the yuck at the party
M4: Grilled chicken breast, oven fries, steamed cauliflower, zucchini and broccoli
M5: More yuck - 3 cookies (small ones, but cookies none the less)

I woke up today not feeling great. I am trying to talk myself into a workout but I am right over DD14's room. After her rough day yesterday I hate to wake her up. Until she empties out the guest room I don't know how I am going to get a workout in...... I hate when things get in the way of my goals. Unfortunately this week I must focus on making every dime I can before Christmas. After the holidays is never that great.

So today's plan:

Walk to and from work (better than nothing)
Eat carefully prepped meals
Clean the house before I leave for work
Do 2 loads of laundry

Food plan:
M1: ciabbatta toast, natural pb, apple
M2: hm trail mix
M3: ww wrap with chicken and veggies
M4:cheese and crackers, fruit
M5: Spaghetti, marinara, ground turkey

If I can at all I really need to get to the grocery store today. I'm off to make today better than yesterday. Have a good one, everybody.