Sunday, August 29, 2010
Aug. 29: Grrr
I am wildly attracted to the food group, "Crunchy Salties." I've had a hell of a week, actually a hell of a year. I've been doing well fighting off the emotional eating demons until now.
Now, I just want Crunchy Salties, and I'll; be darned if I'm not shoveling them in. Daisy of the iron control - well, my friends, that iron has been melted and now it's just a soggy puddle of gray stuff at my feet.
I've used my usual coping mechanisms. I've prepped my food ahead of time. I always have something ready for a quick snack or meal. I take a walk when I'm hungry. Grrr..... I'm journaling, as you can plainly see, about this issue.
Now a week of this is not going to put me back at square number one, but I have the same "Screw it" attitude right now that got me above 200 pounds in the first place. The scale is up TEN POUNDS from last week. I'm reasonable, I know I did not eat 10 pounds worth of Doritos and Ruffles, but I'm retaining huge water from the salt and I'm certain that I've gained a few pounds.
A few weeks ago I gave away every single item of clothing I own that is too big for me right now. I did this in self defense, because if the day comes where I can't fit into my clothes, I'll have no other option but to lose weight - I can't afford new stuff!
This week, the focus is on using every tool in my arsenal to get back on track nutritionally. I'm far better armed for this battle than I was a year ago. I've learned so much about dieting properly, working out, and myself, that I know I can succeed.
One thing I realized today is that the person staring out of the mirror at me, mocking me, is someone I don't know. I don't know what looks good on me anymore. I am having some trouble not being the fat girl. It's disconcerting to catch a glimpse of myself in a store window and not realize it's me that I'm looking at. Thinner women are definitely treated differently out in the world. It's like I've gone from being completely invisible to being someone that people notice.
Maybe this attack of identity crisis is some of the issue. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the endless barrage of financial issues. I wake up in a panic in the middle of the night when there is a vehicle idling outside my house, certain it's the repo man, here for my care. I'm waiting for the bank to call and say, "You have 10 days to get out - we are taking back our house." I cringe at the ringing of the phone because I know it's only going to be another person to whom I owe money. At the grocery store, I watch the register intently so I can stop the cashier from ringing in an item that brings me over my budget for that day. Opening the mailbox each day, I feel as though there might be a cobra in there, coiled and ready to strike. Often there is a cobra, and it's named The Electric Company, The Cable Company or Chrysler Financial. The worst thing of it is that I'm taking all the steps to get out of this pit and they simply aren't working.
No wonder my head hurts.
People tell me I'm strong, but really, I'm not. I'm doing what anyone else would do if faced with the housing option of a cardboard refrigerator box. I'm putting one foot in front of the other, trying to keep the wolves away from the door. It's just what you do - you keep trying because giving up has even worse consequences.
And really, I feel guilty when I think about all of the families in Pakistan who have lost their homes due to flooding. When you put things in that perspective, my life is a walk in the park, comparatively.
I need to go throw out the Crunchy Salties now.