Sunday, August 8, 2010

Aug 8: Dusting off the Blog

"It is foolish to tear one's hair in grief, as though sorrow would be made less by baldness." ~ Cicero

"It is foolish to eat french fries in grief, as though sorrow will be made less by gaining 50 pounds." ~ Daisy

You may be wondering where I have been for the past month.

I'm going to put it right out there.  I have been wallowing.

And I've come to a grand discovery.  Wallowing does not get you out of a bad situation, it only assures that you will do nothing to change that situation.

So, I'll tell you what's been going on.  List form. It's not been fun.

1.)  I'm selling my house.  I have to sell it before the bank takes it.  I will walk away without a single penny to show for the burgeoning equity that I have in my home because I foolishly borrowed so much money against it that there is not a dime to spare.

2.) I've been unfocused on my diet.  I've remained pretty stable in weight but I have indulged in a few episodes of emotional eating, something I thought was a thing of the past.

3.) On top of the house situation, I am so broke that I've nearly lost my car, my electricity and, heaven forbid, my internet.  We have not a dime to spare. I'm not looking forward to back-to-school expenses.

4.) I began to pull out of my funk, looking at the loss of the house as an opportunity not to be tied down, so I began applying for jobs that spoke to me, all around the US and Canada.

5.) My ex-husband is attempting to ki-bosh my new start by threatening to try to take custody of my youngest daughter from me.  He "refuses to allow it." 

6.) It freaked me out and I spent nearly a week in fetal position, crying my eyes out over the fear of not having my little "bestie"with me.

7.)  A long time friend dumped me, and I really don't blame her.  I've been a horrible friend over the past year, not holding up my end of the bargain on anything.  I don't return calls, I don't return e-mails, I just wallow and wonder what to say that might be construed as positive.  If you read this, and you know who you are, please know that I love you dearly and I am sorry I hurt you.  I have no viable excuse, but know that I will always care about you and think of you, and sincerely want the best for you.

So, that has been my life in a nutshell.  All my pigeons have come home to roost, all at once.  And they are pooping on my head everytime I walk out the damn door.

Clearly, this has not really helped with my depression issues.  But I'm starting to feel stronger.  I am feeling capable of overcoming every single bit of this.

1.) The house is a tangible tie, keeping me in one place where I am not prospering, either financially or as a person.  Without the house, most of my debts are paid and I can go somewhere for a fresh start and new experiences.

2.)  Diet is an easy fix.  I've done it before and can do it again.  I'm starting to think that these little "treats" I'm indulging in are making my stress level and depression worse - you all know that I feel certain additives cause anxiety.  Really, like I need to eat anxiety along with having it all dumped on me!

3.) I'll just keep on trucking with the money, having faith that God will provide.  He always has in the past, and I know that he will keep us afloat in the future.  It's just how that works.

4.)  I'm still looking for my dream job and I have found about 5 that qualify.  Hopefully one of these companies decides that I am their dream employee and wants to relocate me to some fantastic place. I'm changing the focus of my career at the ripe old age of 41 and competing against new college grads for writing positions because, darn it, that is just what I want to do.

5.)  If I ignore him, maybe he'll go away.  Doubtful, but a girl can dream.

6.)  I will move heaven and earth to keep my dauughter with me.  I know that our place is together, and if comes down to a choice between keeping her with me and my dream job, well, my little girl wins every single time. I have high hopes to have both, but if it comes down to a decision, well, there isn't one.

7.) Nothing to be done for this.

So, I'm back to my blog.  Enough moping.  Enough baloney.  I thank you all for sticking with me during my writing strike and I promise to update regularly again.

I'm planning to post eats again to try and keep myself on track.  As soon as I find where I buried the camera, numerous photos of the food I eat shall be published.

Love to all of you!


  1. Hi, I've started commenting about a dozen times to your post, wanting to leave something eloquent and meaningful, but really, all I can think to 'say,' is that I'm sorry that you're having to experience such hardship and sadness right now. But you're headed in the right direction. This may read hokey, but you are like the Phoenix...born out of ashes - a new beginning.

  2. I'd love to tell you how proud I am of you for pulling yourself back up and back into the world, but pride in your actions would indicate that in some way I am responsible for them, hence proud of them, so instead I will say... well, you get the idea... :-) Seriously, you rock. I know (boy, I know) how hard it can be. Weight, debt, lousy ex's, custody, life in general... but you, my friend, continue to triumph. Sometimes big victories, sometimes little, but always you move forward. You're an inspiration. :-)