Saturday, October 30, 2010

Oct. 30: Fresh Start

This morning I got up and I looked at my disorganized messy apartment.  I felt full of energy this morning so I began to scrub and tidy.  Within the hour, the living room and kitchen were tidy, fresh and clean.

I started to think how this can be a symbol of your life.  If everything is a disaster and you have to hunt through your kitchen to find the can opener, are you as likely to cook a nice healthy meal from scratch or are you going to call for Chinese take out because you can't find the stove?

Hopefully the organized kitchen will encourage me to make the healthy meals that I used to always have on hand.  My kitchen scale is at the ready, waiting to weigh my healthy portions of protein servings. My pots and pans are neatly put away and I know where everything is.  I have loads of counter space for prepping fruits and veggies, instead of having to shove things over to make room for this task.

I have a hopeful energy about myself on this new day.  I feel a very fresh start coming on.  I feel in control of this outrageous eating that I have been indulging in.

I've really undone a lot of my hard work.  My weight is up to 178.  Later today I am going to weigh and measure and have a definite starting point.  I'm not waiting for tomorrow for my life to happen.

Cheers to you all and have a happy Halloween weekend!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Oct. 27: A Better Day

Today was better.  I tried to control things a little bit differently today.  For example, in my lunch, I packed a controlled amount of crunchy-salties.  I had a bean burrito (homemade) with a handful of tortilla chips.  It really kept the manic munchies away throughout the afternoon.

Tonight, at dinner out with my daughter, I didn't go nuts, I didn't stress.  I had what I wanted but less of it.  I had a grilled chicken sandwich and ditched the bun, and I had fries.

So dietarily speaking, today was not spectacular.

But feeling in control: well, today was head and shoulders above yesterday.

Tomorrow, maybe I can put it all together and have an all-around successful day!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Oct. 26: This just isn't healthy

Why the skull pic?  I had no idea what kind of photo could accurately capture my day, so I picked this one just because I like it.

Today, I recognized that my behavior just isn't healthy at all.

It was a really stressful day.

First, I had to yell at 3 people before 9 am.  This didn't start my day off well, and I hate having to be grumpy at work.  Sometimes, though, a chick has to put her foot down and make some racket or the guys she supervises just won't listen.  This was one of those days.

Then the phone calls started.

Many of you know about my recent financial issues.  After being unemployed for over a year, I finally had to make the decision to walk away from my house and car.  At this point, the house is still on the market and I am hoping to sell it before it gets foreclosed on.

I really felt as though I had come to terms with all of this - I made my decision, I downscaled my life, and I was at peace with it.  But today, I got calls at work from not one, but both of the banks holding mortgages on my house.

First came the feeling of humiliation: trying to discuss personal finances with a million ears around.  Next, came a bit of anger: I told the person calling that she was not to call my workplace again and gave her an address to which she could send mail regarding the matter.  She kept shouting at questions and then called me back 10 minutes later.  I know that I have not followed on my part of the agreement - I have stopped paying the mortgages, but still, there are laws about this kind of stuff.

Then the headache began.  It crept up my neck and surrounded my skull and squeezed like a boa constrictor.  My already short fuse got shorter until there was no fuse at all, just kind of a wick before the dynamite.

But that is where it gets scary.  I started thinking about food.  Salty fried disgusting food.  I tried to distract myself with popcorn but it didn't work.  I took two bites of my salad and then felt this rush of....desperation.  I wanted to get out of there and I wanted to eat and eat and eat.  I told everyone I was taking 30 minutes (I had planned to eat at my desk today).  I immediately went to McDonalds and got a burger and fries.  I read a magazine and inhaled that food so quickly my esophagus hurt.  I had to sit there for 10 minutes after eating to allow the food to settle.  I felt such dread at the idea of going back to work and picking up that phone.....well, it was tough to go back.

But back I went, and I was calmer and more productive.  My daughter is at her dad's for the night and dinner was not greatly improved over lunch.  I had Doritoes and refried beans (homemade refried beans - no added fat but I'm sure the Doritoes cancel out the virtuousness of the beans.)

I don't want to get fat again.  I don't want to wake up in 6 months and realize that I am back up over 200 pounds.  At this point, I am 10 pounds over my "healthy weight."  It's not outrageous and it is losable.  But I have to come up with a better way to deal with this anxiety.

I'd like to tell you the plan for tomorrow, but I don't really have one yet.

Basically, I'm at the point that all I can think to do right now is pray for an answer, and for the strength to overcome.

I write this because I know many of us that fight this battle have felt overwhelmed by the "enemy" - the complete loss of control that takes over in a difficult situation.  We aren't alone.  We need to share it and make that burden lighter.  We need to throw away the guilt because this is like an illness.  We can get better but we must realize it isn't a personal weakness or a reflection of us that relapses occur.

My next meal, as I often say, will be better.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Oct. 25: Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail

That's a favorite saying of one of my favorite people. (Jac!  This means you!)  Today would not be considered a total failure - my intake is under 2000 calories, but I failed to plan properly for lunch today.  When I got a call from the school that my little girl was sick, I ended up eating on the run while picking her up, getting her settled, dashing to the pharmacy for her and getting back to work.

So I went through the dreaded drive thru.  I was planning to get a grilled chicken sandwich.  I really was.  However, I ended up seeing a sign for the ever-so-delicious Bacon Mushroom Melt from Wendy's and I got distracted.  Yup, I got one.  On the bright side, I didn't get fries for the side.  I got a small chili which will serve for lunch for me or my miraculously recovered child (amazing how quickly they get better watching cartoons!) 

So, today's eats:

m1: ezekiel toast with natural pb
m2:  yogurt, protein powder, blackberries, and granola
m3: Bacon Mushroom Melt
m4: Crock Pot BBQ Beef, sweet potato oven fries

Calories: 1797
Carbs:  140
Fat: 85
Protein: 121

All in all, I'm not hating my day.  I also managed to drink only one Diet Coke today - the rest was all water.  Another step in the right direction - I have to count all the little successes I can right now to keep myself motivated!

Check out the Crock Pot BBQ Beef recipe here.  It's quick to prep, makes lots of yummy leftovers and my whole family enjoys it.

So, for tomorrow, I am going to plan my lunch better.  In fact, I'll make it tonight and put it in the fridge.  I learned my lesson today: I can't rely on getting home at lunchtime to fix something so I better just take it with me.

Another obstacle I can foresee this week:  my oldest daughter (who lives with her dad) wants to see me this week.  There are only 2 restaurants in the small town where she lives, so we will go to the steakhouse on Wednesday night.  Tomorrow, I will strive to have a good day, as well as during the day on Wednesday.  Life just happens and you can't hide out the entire time you are on a diet.  I will make decent choices and not beat myself up.

Thank you very much for the support and kind words.  It means a lot to me - it's kind of hard to write about falling off the wagon for all the world to read about.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Food prep for the week of Oct. 24th

I've returned from my trip to the grocery store, and eats are still relatively on track for today.

Tomorrow I am going to make crockpot beef bbq - R can have hers on bread but mine will just be a hunk of yummy protein on a plate.

Today's prep:

Chicken breasts
Huge garden salad
Veggie tray with baby carrots, broccoli and cherry tomatoes
Mexican ground chicken
"Refried" beans
Sweet potato soup
Chicken broth made from a rotisserie chicken

This week's menu:

Sunday: Greek salad with chicken breast
Monday: BBQ beef, sweet potato oven fries
Tuesday: BBQ beef "pizza" on a whole wheat pita, topped with mushroom, onion and red pepper
Wednesday: Broccoli and chicken stir fry
Thursday: Grilled ham and cheese on artisan apple bread, sweet potato soup
Friday: Chicken soft tacos, refried beans

As always, lunch is leftovers.  I have a small breakfast before work in the morning, nearly always the same thing: whole wheat toast with natural pb, and skim milk.  I have yogurt, fruit and granola around 10 am.  I'm filling in the munching time with microwave popcorn.  I have to curb the constant eating but this week, my concentration is on eating real food again.

Wish me luck and determination!

Oct. 24: Square one...again

How many times am I going to have to start over?

As many times as it takes, I guess.

The last week has been less than stellar.  If I was an alcoholic, I would call it a relapse.  I had a food bender for an entire week and I'm scared to get back on the scale.  You couldn't even imagine the amount of food I consumed. I was tucking into it pretty much every waking moment.  I have no idea why I lost all sense of control like this.  Mentally, I'm feeling good (aside from said food bender.)  The visit with my mom was not absolutely horrible.  Work is great, life is great - I just lost it.

So, here I am again at square one, trying to keep away from the temptations that are everywhere.

Last night, I threw out all open sources of temptation.  Into the garbage went cake, cookies, chips and ice cream, all heaped together in one nauseating pile.  I even emptied out the packages and dumped ice cream on the dry goods so I would not be able to go in and dig something out.  I don't know if I would've dug something out, but the way things have been going, better to be safe than sorry.  This was my equivalent of dumping the vodka down the sink.  Bagged up and ready to go are all of the still-sealed sources of temptation.  I'll be dropping those off at the food bank when I go to the grocery store today.

Did this horrible cacophony of cravings come from some stress that I did not recognize?  Did I give myself an inch and take a mile?  Did some horrid preservative or additive trigger this awful bingefest?  Was it some dreadful combination of all of the above?

I hate that I have to start over.  I felt so successful, like I had beaten the bingeing and emotional eating once and for all.  But start over I must.  At least this time, I know what to do.

The plan is detox.  Crap food detox.

~  No sources of MSG (proven to trigger cravings in many people)
~  No processed sugar
~  Water instead of diet soda
~  Real food, prepped and easily accessible at all times
~  Brisk walk with the dog before and after work

This week, I'm not really restricting calories.  I'm counting them, keeping them under 2000, but the goal is to switch myself back to actual food, not packages of chemicals.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will I be able to repair this damage in one week.

I'll be back today with the week's food prep after I check out the sales at the grocery store. Good, bad or ugly, I'm going to blog about it, because recording it makes me accountable.