Sunday, October 24, 2010

Oct. 24: Square one...again

How many times am I going to have to start over?

As many times as it takes, I guess.

The last week has been less than stellar.  If I was an alcoholic, I would call it a relapse.  I had a food bender for an entire week and I'm scared to get back on the scale.  You couldn't even imagine the amount of food I consumed. I was tucking into it pretty much every waking moment.  I have no idea why I lost all sense of control like this.  Mentally, I'm feeling good (aside from said food bender.)  The visit with my mom was not absolutely horrible.  Work is great, life is great - I just lost it.

So, here I am again at square one, trying to keep away from the temptations that are everywhere.

Last night, I threw out all open sources of temptation.  Into the garbage went cake, cookies, chips and ice cream, all heaped together in one nauseating pile.  I even emptied out the packages and dumped ice cream on the dry goods so I would not be able to go in and dig something out.  I don't know if I would've dug something out, but the way things have been going, better to be safe than sorry.  This was my equivalent of dumping the vodka down the sink.  Bagged up and ready to go are all of the still-sealed sources of temptation.  I'll be dropping those off at the food bank when I go to the grocery store today.

Did this horrible cacophony of cravings come from some stress that I did not recognize?  Did I give myself an inch and take a mile?  Did some horrid preservative or additive trigger this awful bingefest?  Was it some dreadful combination of all of the above?

I hate that I have to start over.  I felt so successful, like I had beaten the bingeing and emotional eating once and for all.  But start over I must.  At least this time, I know what to do.

The plan is detox.  Crap food detox.

~  No sources of MSG (proven to trigger cravings in many people)
~  No processed sugar
~  Water instead of diet soda
~  Real food, prepped and easily accessible at all times
~  Brisk walk with the dog before and after work

This week, I'm not really restricting calories.  I'm counting them, keeping them under 2000, but the goal is to switch myself back to actual food, not packages of chemicals.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither will I be able to repair this damage in one week.

I'll be back today with the week's food prep after I check out the sales at the grocery store. Good, bad or ugly, I'm going to blog about it, because recording it makes me accountable.


  1. You're exactly right. Start over as many times as it takes. It's not a failure until you stop trying. :-)

  2. I completely empathize with everything you said. I'm starting over too.... again.

    But it's alright. It isn't failure. The only time we ever fail, is when we quit trying. That is how I look at things. Thank you for posting.