Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Oct. 26: This just isn't healthy
Today, I recognized that my behavior just isn't healthy at all.
It was a really stressful day.
First, I had to yell at 3 people before 9 am. This didn't start my day off well, and I hate having to be grumpy at work. Sometimes, though, a chick has to put her foot down and make some racket or the guys she supervises just won't listen. This was one of those days.
Then the phone calls started.
Many of you know about my recent financial issues. After being unemployed for over a year, I finally had to make the decision to walk away from my house and car. At this point, the house is still on the market and I am hoping to sell it before it gets foreclosed on.
I really felt as though I had come to terms with all of this - I made my decision, I downscaled my life, and I was at peace with it. But today, I got calls at work from not one, but both of the banks holding mortgages on my house.
First came the feeling of humiliation: trying to discuss personal finances with a million ears around. Next, came a bit of anger: I told the person calling that she was not to call my workplace again and gave her an address to which she could send mail regarding the matter. She kept shouting at questions and then called me back 10 minutes later. I know that I have not followed on my part of the agreement - I have stopped paying the mortgages, but still, there are laws about this kind of stuff.
Then the headache began. It crept up my neck and surrounded my skull and squeezed like a boa constrictor. My already short fuse got shorter until there was no fuse at all, just kind of a wick before the dynamite.
But that is where it gets scary. I started thinking about food. Salty fried disgusting food. I tried to distract myself with popcorn but it didn't work. I took two bites of my salad and then felt this rush of....desperation. I wanted to get out of there and I wanted to eat and eat and eat. I told everyone I was taking 30 minutes (I had planned to eat at my desk today). I immediately went to McDonalds and got a burger and fries. I read a magazine and inhaled that food so quickly my esophagus hurt. I had to sit there for 10 minutes after eating to allow the food to settle. I felt such dread at the idea of going back to work and picking up that phone.....well, it was tough to go back.
But back I went, and I was calmer and more productive. My daughter is at her dad's for the night and dinner was not greatly improved over lunch. I had Doritoes and refried beans (homemade refried beans - no added fat but I'm sure the Doritoes cancel out the virtuousness of the beans.)
I don't want to get fat again. I don't want to wake up in 6 months and realize that I am back up over 200 pounds. At this point, I am 10 pounds over my "healthy weight." It's not outrageous and it is losable. But I have to come up with a better way to deal with this anxiety.
I'd like to tell you the plan for tomorrow, but I don't really have one yet.
Basically, I'm at the point that all I can think to do right now is pray for an answer, and for the strength to overcome.
I write this because I know many of us that fight this battle have felt overwhelmed by the "enemy" - the complete loss of control that takes over in a difficult situation. We aren't alone. We need to share it and make that burden lighter. We need to throw away the guilt because this is like an illness. We can get better but we must realize it isn't a personal weakness or a reflection of us that relapses occur.
My next meal, as I often say, will be better.