Thursday, September 2, 2010

Sept.2: No Direction

This sign is a perfect example of my life right now. 

I'm not impressed with myself.

I've gained back about 8 pounds - that hard-fought 8 pounds that it nearly killed me to take off.  I'm really not impressed with myself, because I thought I had resolved my emotional eating issues, and here they are, rearing their ugly heads again.

Potato chips really don't make me feel better.  I keep thinking they will, but they just make me fit, which makes me feel worse.

At this point my blog is turning into a sounding board instead of a place of inspiration, which was not the image I've had in mind for it.  However, it is what it is, and I promised from the beginning to keep things real.

So here is my reality.

~ I lost my job at the cesspool.  I quit, actually, which probably sounds pretty stupid.  I told them once school started, there was no option, I had to have days.  I explained I have a 9 year old little girl at home.  What did they do?  They made my schedule for now until Christmas and the shift is 3:30 to midnight!  I would NEVER see my daughter.  I'd have to wake her up in the middle of the night to bring her home every night. No.  Just, no.

~ So, I am unemployed yet again.

~ I've applied for a job that I was supposed to hear about yesterday.  It was something that the company contacted me about.  I even filled in there part time until they made their hiring decision.  I fear that since I didn't hear from them yesterday, I did not get the job.

~ I went to the bank yesterday and stopped payment on my mortgages.  The house is on the market.  Basically if it does not sell in 30 days, the bank will take it.  Either way, my credit is shot.  I'll be living a cash life, I suppose. I just feel like I need to hoard that money for those payments because Rachel and I must have a place to live when all is said and done.

~ I have a couple of other job leads.  If these don't pan out, I must make some very quick decisions, like where the heck I'm going to live.  I think if I don't get these jobs, I need to move somewhere with more opportunities.  I'm a pretty qualified person and I've been unemployed on and off for over a year now.  This area is dry, at least for me.

~ I'm feeling very sorry for myself right about now.  Luckily I have the world's best friends, who have promised that I won't have to look for a sturdy refrigerator box.  My philosopher friend, S, has me thinking in a different direction.  She told me, "You didn't want to work in that industry to start with.  You didn't want to live in this area to start with.  You wanted to follow your dreams, and maybe these rejections are pointing you in that direction."  I love you, S - you are the perfect friend.

~  My ex-husband thinks that he should have custody of our daughter.  I have sole custody of both of our girls, but my oldest (15) has chosen to live with her dad.  There is not a lot of supervision there.  He, who is thousands of dollars behind in child support, feels that he can provide more financial stability.  I would comment further but I try not to swear in my blog.  It may require legal action for me to be allowed to move out of this area. Nine years after the divorce, and he is still trying to control my life.  If I lost custody of my little one, I honestly don't think I could survive that.

~ None of the above is really helping with my depression and anxiety disorder.

People keep telling me how strong I am.  But anyone can finally get knocked down so many times they can't get back up again.  Is this that knockout punch for me?  Financial disaster, custody issues, unemployment and out of control eating patterns?

My world, such as it is, has spiralled out of my control.  I hope that whoever is at the wheel has my best interests at heart.


  1. I don't know what i can say to help you, i am so sorry. I am facing many of those issues myself, i really feel your pain.

    I wish i could give you abig hug


  2. I'm so sorry... Stay strong girl, you will come through it even stronger. And don't worry too much about the weight gain right now. Stress will definitely do that.

  3. Regarding the weight gain and emotional eating, remember that this is a process. Your body will fluctuate, and so will your eating patterns, and that's ok. It does not make you a failure, and it does not necessarily signal a setback. Just keep doing your best and do not take the fluctuations personally. The affect of all this stress alone is going to raise your cortisol levels and make it difficult to maintain or lose weight. So for now, just try to be healthy. When things settle down a bit your body will too.

    I am glad you quit your job, even though I'm sure the lack of one is terrifying. If you find you end up close to Toronto, my offer still stands to link you up with a great temp agency until you find something. Keep me posted.

    I wish I had a car so I could come see you and give you a hug and a pep talk and a bottle of wine ;)

  4. I'm sorry about your job situation, I know what it's like to feel that there's no way to win at a certain job and to choose the uncertainty of unemployment because it's just gotten too bad.

    I don't think this is the end - the whole reason I think you're strong is that as sorry as you may be feeling for yourself, you are looking for a job, thinking of your future, thinking of your daughters' future, working on your eating patterns.

    You are doing what you need to and yes, maybe you can't do more than that, but people have gone through less before giving up and sinking. I truly feel that just from what I know of you from this blog you can do it. Good luck with the jobs and I hope at least one calls today with good news!

  5. You guys are unbelievably warm and wonderful. I can't tell you how much your kind words brought me up! I got a call yesterday and things are turning around - I got a great job! Thank you, thank you, thank you! The beautiful thing about the internet is the wonderful people it brings you into contact with. :-)