Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Mar. 9: How did it happen?

Going back.......how did I get to where I am now?

I remember precisely when I started bingeing on a regular basis. I lived out in the boonies with my baby. My husband at the time and I were fighting constantly so he would go away and stay gone for days at a time. I had no phone, this was before the internet, and I had no car. I lived on a highway so I wasn't really able to go take long walks either. I would walk with the baby about half a mile down the road to a little convenience store and with the change I scraped up from my husbands pockets when I did laundry I would buy candy and chips. Every time I found enough change to equal $5 I would trudge my ever-gaining self down the road for more food. Eventually we moved into town and I was happier and that behavior stopped briefly.

I have yoyo'd from 140-210 for the past 15 years. Every gain has with it a story of loneliness, isolation and depression. When I could not find comfort anywhere else I sought it in food. My father's illness and subsequent death brought me to my highest-ever non-pregnancy weight of 210, which is where I started my eat-clean journey.

Food doesn't make me feel good anymore. It doesn't make me feel bad either. I've become sort of food-neutral, which has been a big step towards a healthier attitude. How did I reach my food zen state?

This blog has helped more than I can ever express. Not just writing it but the fact that there are a few people out there reading it that can relate to the food/emotion relationship. Researching the food additives and learning about the side effects has educated me even more. By learning why certain things I eat trigger binges, I am able to avoid those things in my everyday life. I also journal both online and offline and this journey of self discovery has changed my life. The weight is falling away, finally, as I step into a new way of life.

For those of you that binge, how did it start for you? Do you remember when you began to do it? What was going on in your life at that time?

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