Mar. 9: How did it happen?

Going back.......how did I get to where I am now?

I remember precisely when I started bingeing on a regular basis. I lived out in the boonies with my baby. My husband at the time and I were fighting constantly so he would go away and stay gone for days at a time. I had no phone, this was before the internet, and I had no car. I lived on a highway so I wasn't really able to go take long walks either. I would walk with the baby about half a mile down the road to a little convenience store and with the change I scraped up from my husbands pockets when I did laundry I would buy candy and chips. Every time I found enough change to equal $5 I would trudge my ever-gaining self down the road for more food. Eventually we moved into town and I was happier and that behavior stopped briefly.

I have yoyo'd from 140-210 for the past 15 years. Every gain has with it a story of loneliness, isolation and depression. When I could not find comfort anywhere else I sought it in food. My father's illness and subsequent death brought me to my highest-ever non-pregnancy weight of 210, which is where I started my eat-clean journey.

Food doesn't make me feel good anymore. It doesn't make me feel bad either. I've become sort of food-neutral, which has been a big step towards a healthier attitude. How did I reach my food zen state?

This blog has helped more than I can ever express. Not just writing it but the fact that there are a few people out there reading it that can relate to the food/emotion relationship. Researching the food additives and learning about the side effects has educated me even more. By learning why certain things I eat trigger binges, I am able to avoid those things in my everyday life. I also journal both online and offline and this journey of self discovery has changed my life. The weight is falling away, finally, as I step into a new way of life.

For those of you that binge, how did it start for you? Do you remember when you began to do it? What was going on in your life at that time?

Dec. 24 - Holiday Guilt and Perfectionism

Well, it all boils down to ONE BIG DAY. The weeks (and for some, months) of prep are over and tomorrow, it's showtime.

As I read my friend's journals, it makes me realize just how much stress we are all under during this time of year. And most of it, we bring on ourselves by expecting perfection. I have been preaching this sermon to everyone who will listen. (And some of those that just slow down enough for me to talk really fast!)

Are you stressed because one of the dishes you made did not turn out well? No one will really remember it with all the other fabulous food that is there (unless it is particularly notable like the time I read the recipe wrong and put an entire CUP of cinnamon in my apple pie - yup we talk about that one still - it's hilarious!).

Are you stressed because you feel like you did not buy gifts that were nice enough or plentiful enough for your kids? Money is tight for a lot of us this year, and they are kids getting gifts. They are going to be happy. Kids are easy!

Are you stressed because your in-laws and assorted relatives are crazy? Remember, one day these people won't be around. . Even if they are just plain out there, we gave birth - we can get through anything for one day, even our relatives.

Are you stressed because your MIL or mom is overly critical? In her misguided way, perhaps she is trying to help. Remember, she used to be the one in charge of the big wing-ding. Letting go of that may be hard.

Are you stressed because you fell off the wagon of your eating plan? Christmas is one day in a very long year. The other days of the year, when you follow your plan and eat clean are the days that matter. Don't feel guilty for enjoying some treats you would not normally eat. Give yourself a little break and get back on the horse tomorrow.

There are a million reasons to be stressed and mostly they boil down to guilt. Well, guess what? We aren't perfect and never will be. We must learn to laugh about the mistakes and move on, embracing them in the circle of our memories. Guilt is a huge saboteur in my own journey of clean eating. When I feel guilty or bad about something I reach for the nearest crappy food and stuff my face. One way to circumvent that is to simply refuse to feel guilty!

Please remember: This year extend your kindness, love and charity to yourselves.

Dec. 23 - STRESS

Because I have been so aware of my foods and I have been writing in this journal every day, I am really seeing the link between food and stress for me. This is something I have to conquer if I am ever to have a true healthy way of life, for the rest of my life. The New Year is going to be dedicated to resolving this issue.

Here are my current stressors:
1.) MONEY
2.) The loss of my Dad
3.) Rocky relationship with my Mom
4.) I have a teenager (need I say more?)
5.) My ex lets the kids down

Rationally, I am aware eating crap because of these things does no make me feel better anymore, even for a moment. Because I am aware of what I am doing even while I am doing it, I am not getting one second of respite from the stress by stuffing my face.

I got up early and went to Walmart to finish up shopping. Mission accomplished!!!! Hooray! While the kids are at Dad's tonight I will finish wrapping. I am also going to prep our Christmas day food.

Today's eats:

M1: Skim milk latte, ww toast w/ nat pb (eaten while shopping at Walmart this morning)
M2: 1 % yogurt, blackberries, Kashi crunch cereal
M3: Grilled chicken w/ a skim of not clean BBQ sauce (contains sugar), 1/2 ww bun, carrots
M4: Banana, nuts
M5: Turkey tostada, guacamole

I'm feeling good about today and business is booming with pre-Christmas sales.

Have a great day everyone!

Dec. 21 - Yesterday did NOT go well

Yesterday was just a wash. My last day off before Christmas and all I did was fight with my kids, eat garbage and run around pointlessly.

My kid's ended up missing their visit with their Dad and his family so they were cranky and miserable. I went to the party I said I would go to, didn't know anyone and just nibbled on food for something to do. Grrr. I ate a handful each of Ruffles and Doritos and one cookie.

I came home from the cookie exchange deciding I would be under control for the rest of the day. Which of course is when I discovered the kids still at home and quite unhappy. I took my little one out for a while to help get her mind off things while my older one went to a friend's house. Thought all was well and then we all just started driving each other nuts. So after a healthy supper, I ate 3 more stupid, thrice damned cookies.

This morning I am packing up the cookies into the bags that we are giving them away in. I am going to put some in the freezer for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, and another batch for our New Year's Eve party. I MUST GET THESE COOKIES OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!!

Yesterday's food. (be prepared - this is dismal)

M1: Toast w/ natural pb, pineapple
M2: cantaloupe, pineapple, NZ cheddar ( all natural), Kashi crackers, carrots, tomatoes, cucumbers
M3: All the yuck at the party
M4: Grilled chicken breast, oven fries, steamed cauliflower, zucchini and broccoli
M5: More yuck - 3 cookies (small ones, but cookies none the less)

I woke up today not feeling great. I am trying to talk myself into a workout but I am right over DD14's room. After her rough day yesterday I hate to wake her up. Until she empties out the guest room I don't know how I am going to get a workout in...... I hate when things get in the way of my goals. Unfortunately this week I must focus on making every dime I can before Christmas. After the holidays is never that great.

So today's plan:

Walk to and from work (better than nothing)
Eat carefully prepped meals
Clean the house before I leave for work
Do 2 loads of laundry

Food plan:
M1: ciabbatta toast, natural pb, apple
M2: hm trail mix
M3: ww wrap with chicken and veggies
M4:cheese and crackers, fruit
M5: Spaghetti, marinara, ground turkey

If I can at all I really need to get to the grocery store today. I'm off to make today better than yesterday. Have a good one, everybody.

Dec. 20 - Indulgence

Good morning! I wanted to say hello before today's crazy whirl of activity began.

Last night at the party things went pretty well. I have been doing a lot of thinking, reading on a forum, and just pondering why we do what we do and what brings us to have the weight and food issues that many of us struggle with.

I think we will all agree, the holidays can be a very challenging time of year for clean eaters. A lot of people tend to binge on unhealthy food. I stopped for a few minutes the other day to think about why I binge. Generally it is because I am feeling emotional and/or deprived. If you over do it at a party, then you feel emotional, which leads to eating more. This is the time of year that maybe you could step back, be a little kinder to yourself, enjoy a nibble here and there of something you wouldn't normally have, content in the knowledge that at the very next meal you will be going back to your clean eating lifestyle. Enjoying something out of the norm is not a big deal, but saying, well, I am off this eating plan until after the New Year IS a big deal.

I figure if there is a treat I really, really want, I'm going to have a nibble because most of the time, the food I eat is healthy and nutritious. By giving myself that permission, I don't feel guilty and then I don't sabotage myself by pigging out.

Here is what I had at the party last night (along with some observations)

2 tortilla chips
tiny scoop of salsa (the salsa tasted very very sweet, not at all tomato-ey and savory like hm)
1 triangle of white pita
tiny scoop of hummus (tasted like comfort food to me)
2 bites of Polish sausage in a BBQ sauce ( delicious but very rich)
1 teeny nibble of fudge (so insanely sweet but really good - no way I could eat a lot of that anymore)
2 bites of an iced sugar cookie (these used to be my very favorite but I could not have eaten more than the two bites because they were so sweet my eyes crossed)
2 potato chips (yup, chips still taste good!)

So I discovered I still really like salty and savory, but sweet just makes me feel icky. A bite is pleasant, more than that is too much of a good thing. I avoided the punch, the cheesies, the cheese and crackers, and the bacon wrapped chestnuts. I took little samples of the things that interested me and left the rest alone. I felt decadent, not deprived, but know I didn't eat enough that I felt guilty later. Coming back to my clean food feels like a comfort.

My advice to all this season is to treat yourselves kindly, because you deserve no less than that. Give yourself the gift of realizing that you are not perfect, eating clean is not 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Planning an indulgence and keeping it under control may help you to stay on track the rest of the time. See an indulgence as something unique, like dinner at a very expensive restaurant. Enjoy every second, realizing this isn't in the budget for a regular occurrence, and then enjoy going back to the comfort of nurturing yourself through good food.

Happy holidays!