April 2: A Little Ray of Sunlight

Finally, I'm starting to feel like a ray of sunshine is getting through the cloud of depression.

I had to go back to the doctor recently because the depression and anxiety have been winning out over my intentions.  I have had a lot of trouble getting out of the house.  My medication was increased.  For the first few days, of course, nothing happened.  I still made myself get out and walk everyday, telling myself the dog needed it.  But in truth, I'm the one who needs it.

For some reason, going to a public place, like the bank, is really difficult for me right now, but in the woods near my house, I can follow those circling trails for miles, just accompanied by my dog and some good tunes on the Ipod, and get away from that anxiety.  It feels like the very trees are sheltering me from the bad feelings, the shortness of breath, the nausea, the overwhelming feeling that people are staring at me.

Some days I walk out there alone and cry.  I cry for my Dad, whom I miss more than I ever thought possible.  Because his illness was long, and he was suffering, I thought that his death would bring relief.  I thought I had prepared myself for losing him.  I'm glad he isn't in pain anymore but I wasn't prepared for the ache in my heart that is never far from the surface.  Sometimes when I am out there, alone but for the dog, a bright male cardinal lights in our path and stares at us, lets us get amazingly close.  I think of my dad, because he loved birds and the cardinal was always his favorite - he always pointed them out anytime he saw one.  It feels, just for a quick second, like he is saying hello.

The past week, I've really increased my mileage.  I feel nearly compelled to seek the solace of the woods and walk until I can hardly move my legs to carry me another step.  I've been walking 6 kilometers through the woods every afternoon, and then after dinner, I've taken a shorter walk, less brisk, with the dog, and sometimes my daughter.  If I walk far enough maybe the cloud of depression will get tired of following me.

Yesterday, for the first time in recent memory, I felt good.  I felt like my sense of humor was present.  I was actually hungry.  I had a bit more energy and I sat outside on the front porch and chatted briefly with a neighbor, instead of ducking into the backyard to enjoy fresh air.

When I was out in the woods I thought of Dad, but I didn't cry.  I smiled.  I remembered going with him to Wal-Mart, on one of his morning walks, when he was 85.  He was getting very feeble, taking short steps where he hardly lifted his feet, and using a cart for support, yet he made his laps around the store until he succeeded in completing his mile.  If he could do that, I have no right to give up and cave to how I'm feeling. 

So I'm trying to make today better than yesterday and will continue to do that everyday from here on out.  I'm sure there will be bad days where I regress a little, but step by step I will recover from this.  If I just keep walking, the depression will get tired of following, and give up, and let more sunshine in. 

Mar. 25: Food vs. Mood - Another Funk

Boo to funks. I'm having another one. It's been a really rough day today.

I'm actually writing this post to inform, rather than whine, however.

For the past couple of days, my eats have been really off. I've been out shopping with my friend and my lunch choices could have been far better. I wasn't too worried because I stayed within my desired caloric ranges and the macros weren't terrible. However, last night, I started feeling really anxious. I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep, so of course, this morning, I had a lot of trouble getting up. I really only made it as far as the couch. I did manage to force myself to go for a 45 minute walk, which helped some. However, I'm now back on the couch and pretty darned mopey and lethargic.

I've had this happen before. I went through my personal journal and looked over the past 4 months. I want to know WHY!!! My out-of-the-blue funks all seem to be triggered by eating crappy food that I did not prepare myself. It isn't guilt. It isn't something that I'm creating as a reason for my personal brand of picky. It is a realistic link between what I eat and how I feel.

I've narrowed down the culprits to: Calcium Proprianate, MSG, and/or Refined Sugar. I really lean more towards the CP, since I do have things with just a touch of sugar from time to time with no ill effects, and the issue tends to occur when bread products are involved.

So if I know this triggers depression, why do I continue to do it? I could have just as easily tossed the bun that came with my hamburger and been sufficiently satisfied with the food I ate. I really must make the decision to avoid processed bread products in the future so I can truly narrow this down. If I still have the issues, I can research the other potential triggers. I eat that stuff so rarely that I often forget when faced with the options of what to eat at a fast food place. I realized today it's been over a month since I've had a burger that care from anywhere but my own kitchen.

I could keep going back to the doctor every time I feel like this and get my antidepressants increased, but that won't get to the root of the problem. I definitely have some issues with depression and need to be on meds right now, but perhaps that propensity towards depression makes me even more susceptible to the chemicals in foods.

As for me, I'm even more convinced that whole foods are a necessity in my life, and hope that others dealing with similar issues can find links between their food and their mood.

Question for my readers: Have any of you noticed a particular food triggering mood issues? If so, what food is it? I'd love to hear about your experiences.

Mar. 21: Thoughts on Depression

I've mentioned a few times on this blog that I've had some serious issues with depression. I wanted to talk about that a little bit, because I realized this weekend that no one knows about depression because no one talks about depression. I know the whole world doesn't read my blog, but if I can spread some understanding among those who do read it I'd like to do that. Further, if I can reinforce the fact that you are not alone if you suffer from depression, I'd like to do that too.

I've had lots of ups and downs in my life, when I look back at my own story. There are so many times when my quality of life could have been improved if only I had known that I am one of the 1-in-6 North Americans that suffer from depression. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, approximately 58 million Americans are living with depression.

It's a slippery slope because it is misunderstood by the general population. Nobody wants to feel like they are 'crazy'. Because of that, a lot of people go without the help they need. They think they can "shake it off" or "pull up their socks." I've heard those phrases so many times I want to pull out my hair whenever I hear them. Or even better, pull out the hair of the person that says it!

I take medication for depression. I have taken it on and off over the past 15 years. Some people suffer from chronic depression and need to take medication all the time. In a person who is clinically depressed, it is a chemical issue. The chemicals in their brain are out of balance. They aren't going to "perk up" unless the chemical imbalance is corrected. It is exactly the same thing as a pancreas that doesn't produce enough insulin. Medication is required for a proper quality of life.

Other people have a tendency towards depression but are not clinically depressed at all times. This is me. A stressful situation is something I can't shake off like other people, no matter how hard I try. A bad break up, a difficult marriage, a divorce, my father's death.....all of those things ended up in a despair that wouldn't go away. Things in my life start going downhill because I just can't muster up the energy to keep that from happening. It's an effort just to open my eyes and take care of my kids when this happens.

Because I have two daughters I love, I get treated when this happens. They deserve a mom who is a fully present participant in their lives. Because it honors my dad, I get treated. He would never want me to be unhappy and unable to go on because of his loss. Because I love myself, I get treated. I deserve to be happy and healthy.

I will likely spend a minimum of the next 1-2 years taking one capsule a day to help me fight off the demons in my head, the ones who drag me down below the surface of my life, to a place where I merely observe the joy going on without me. I feel like I have a lot of things to offer this world, and if I am too depressed to get off my couch, the world will be going on without my contributions.

Mental health cannot be taken for granted. If you are having a hard time and it has been going on too long, consider discussing it with your doctor. It might be the best gift you have ever given yourself and those who love you. There is no more shame in receiving this treatment than there is in receiving dialysis for a non-functioning kidney.

It has the potential to change the way you spend your life..... It really is that simple.